Fear and uncertainty. Yes, I have them, too. Daily I must focus on what I believe and stay centered. It is all too easy to be distracted or drift. It takes a lot to stay focused and driven. Some days I have more of it than others.
My current greatest fear is feeling limited when, previously, I believed I had no limitations. I was born as I am and I am pleased with whom I have become. Now I am labeled as a widow with young children or a single mother, I find these newly acquired labels exhausting. Still, people use them like it is my new identity. Broad sweeps and generalizations are common place.
Perhaps it is my heightened sense of awareness of all things, including word choice and tone, that I find myself cringing. Perhaps, I am desperate to be viewed simply as a person. I find that labels, in general, are restrictive and insufficient. I find myself being suffocated with labels that threaten to limit me and try to define me as a person. I show patience and restraint because I don’t necessarily feel that people are being intentionally malicious.
I fear that my circumstances will speak louder than my voice. I want your love and consideration. I don’t want to be pitied, ever. I have no interest in playing the victim, ever. I am me. I refuse labels that are insufficient. If you label me, you underestimate me. If you must- call me a dreamer.
I fear what others will say to limit my children’s hopes and dreams in the setting of their loss. How will they magnify what they perceive to be a weakness? While there is nothing that I can say that will convey the magnitude of our loss, I will say that this life event has changed my approach to life and somehow I have arrived at being grateful for my new lens.
I define myself. I write my own script. I believe that I am bigger than society’s labels for me. Look past the obvious. Listen with your soul and you will see and hear me. Every day I will encourage my girls to write their own scripts and live out their dreams without limitations.